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from age five
to twelve, 
it was the constant 
voices (at home
and in my head) 
telling me that i was
fat. 

and then for 3 years
i was nothing.
i was the child 
that dyed her hair and
told her dad that
she didn't want to get married
because it was all
too much.
for 3 years,
i was the girl who
wrote stories and folded them up in
paper cranes
to hang above my bed. 

now,
at 16 years old,
my dad tells me
that i'm too 
thin. 
i don't eat enough.
and i know that it's not
true. i eat
what my body needs. 

and i had finally gotten
to the spot where 
i felt comfortable. 
no-- fuck, i felt good.
but now
when i look in the mirror
all i see is my dad
telling me that i am a mess
(even though he never said 
it) 
and that when he was my age,
he didn't have anxiety attacks 
and my brother
may be a fuck up but
at least he's
mentally capable (sort of).

no matter what,
my dad
will always be better
and so will my
almost-dropout brother,
because at least he can lie down
without wanting to die.

i'm just having a bad day.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconadrianminotaur:
AdrianMinotaur Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Balagna! (ba-lone-nee)  your perfect just the way you are! Your a beautiful young girl with tremendous talent and voice. It's perfectly fine to think your fat, to think your nothing, to have anxiety, depression, and to even want to die. These are natural progressions of self, and are in no way mentally unsound. I went through a lot  of the same feelings(actually my progression was very similar), and I'll bet you are going to shine beautifully in life, as you already do. You just don't seem to notice so well :)
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013  Student Writer
thank you. i understand these things, but it's something to come to terms with (which you probably already know). i appreciate your support. :heart:
Reply
:iconadrianminotaur:
AdrianMinotaur Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Awww, I'm just an old bum spouting crazy talk,lol :) I'd just like you to know after reading your freezing car poem, I believe you're doing magnificently! One thing that really helps me is I create a space inside where I can love myself for who I am, as I am right now. Imperfections and all ;)
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Student Writer
not at all! you make sense, i promise :) 
Reply
:iconadrianminotaur:
AdrianMinotaur Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Impossible, I must be a crazy old man with the voice of an angel. Like that homeless fellow who sounds like an announcer, :D
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Student Writer
maybe! haha
Reply
:iconxcolorblindrainbowx:
xColorblindRainbowx Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
this is one of my new favourite pieces of writing. i wish I could pinpoint exactly what it is, or eloquently word what it is that makes the poem so painfully beautiful. well done. keep your chin up
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2013  Student Writer
thank you so much. :heart: & i will.
Reply
:iconjohnashleigh:
JohnAshleigh Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013   Writer
A candid and direct poem which is laden with emotion. You have such dexterity when it comes to putting feeling onto paper. All anyone wants is to be noticed, and to be free of bad days. There is always a blue sky beyond those grey clouds. Thankyou for sharing.

Regards,
John.
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Student Writer
it's always darkest before the dawn. :heart:
thank you very much.
Reply
:iconjohnashleigh:
JohnAshleigh Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013   Writer
Exactly.  :)
Reply
:iconspiralingspontaneity:
SpiralingSpontaneity Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i know how you feel, i'm sorry :c don't listen to him. you're better than that. you're wonderful <3 <3
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Student Writer
thank you <3 it's all okay, i know it is.
Reply
:iconspiralingspontaneity:
SpiralingSpontaneity Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Good c: <3
Reply
:iconmorpheus1035:
Morpheus1035 Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The vast majority of people in the world are either stupid, malevolent, or both. Don't listen to them, you're better than that
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Student Writer
he's none of them- just my dad. but thank you.
Reply
:iconkissysaltcoatedangel:
kissysaltcoatedangel Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
LoveWithABrokenHeart broken heart people....ugh! They aren't even smart enough to desire the greatness you have! 
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Student Writer
haha! maybe they just want a different thing, ya feel?
Reply
:iconkissysaltcoatedangel:
kissysaltcoatedangel Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I feel ya, mundane people who think themselves coated in gloss, 
shriek in fright when they find someone whose iridescent. :squee-love: - PLZ 
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2013  Student Writer
yessssss. :la:
Reply
:iconkissysaltcoatedangel:
kissysaltcoatedangel Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i quoted the movie flipped btw, NaNoEmo 30 - :moustache: 

it's cool film, you should check it out! Pixel Gingerbread Cookie and gingerbread man just cuz it's freakin' december yo! haha
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013  Student Writer
i will! :D & awe fuck yeah cookies
Reply
:iconkissysaltcoatedangel:
kissysaltcoatedangel Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
COOKIES! winky icon for DA 
Reply
:iconaj-dion:
AJ-Dion Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
OH that is bullshit.  Sorry for the vulgarity but your dad and your almost-dropout brother are not "better" than you.  I don't know why people keep comparing themselves to others.  They are just different to you.  Not better.  Not worse.  YOU have an amazing talent and are a brilliant writer  That's what you should see when you look in the mirror.  Greatness.  Originality.  Not words from other people.  Not a comparison to others. 

Sorry I am just a little passionate about this as recently someone I know killed themselves because they didn't think they were good enough because of something someone else said.  I think society is stuffed up as it makes us compare ourselves with everyone else and that isn't what life is about.   
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Student Writer
... thank you. thank you very much. :heart:
Reply
:iconaj-dion:
AJ-Dion Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Wasn't saying the writing or the subject was BS.  Just the people being better than you.  Sorry if that was confusing.   Hug 
Reply
:iconunspecifiedunknown:
UnspecifiedUnknown Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2013   Writer
sending you lots of love :iconflyingheartsplz: :heart::heart:
Reply
:iconsolis-ortus:
solis-ortus Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Student Writer
thank you :rose:
Reply
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